Infestation
by Lucillia
Summary: There was a good reason for why The Doctor would never forget Jo Grant, and it goes meow. Oneshots. Not in chronological order.
1. The Infestation

**As the Doctor entered his TARDIS and set it to take him anywhere, his thoughts turned to Jo.**

**No, he would not be forgetting Jo Grant anytime soon, especially since she was the one who was responsible for the cat infestation that he'd yet to completely eradicate...**

It had all started innocently enough. A number of feral cats had decided to make UNIT property their home, and Jo Grant had caught the troops dealing with the problem. Upon learning that the cats in the traps were going to be taken to the pound where they'd likely be euthanized, Jo had begged the men to let her have the poor creatures.

Jo almost immediately learned that taking care of five feral cats was a nearly impossible task, seeing as they did not appreciate human companionship, and demonstrated this by bringing the claws out and backing up to the far end of their cages when she tried releasing them from them the instant she got home. Deciding that it would be far better to turn the creatures loose into the wild where they would be happier, she started trying to think of a place where they could be free without running the risk of being captured again and taken to the pound, or run over by a car, or eaten by foxes, or a million other things that could happen to the poor felines. Remembering the rather nice garden aboard the TARDIS that the Doctor had shown her only the week before, a garden which the cats were sure to like, she came up with a plan.

The next day, she snuck aboard with the first of the cages and made her way into the back unnoticed while the Doctor was busy fiddling with something on the console. After making four more trips past the preoccupied Doctor to the garden where she had been forced to shake the frightened felines out of their cages, her task was done. As Jo departed leaving the cats behind in a garden which was located at the end of about a half mile of seldom traveled corridor, the TARDIS which had been programmed to not let any of its inhabitants starve after that one incident quietly relocated a food dispenser and started rationing out protein pellets for the Doctor's surprise gift.

The Doctor probably would've found the cats and swiftly dealt with them if it hadn't been for the distraction that had been caused by that Omega incident and the lifting of his banishment. In his excitement over being allowed to travel, he had set off on a solo trip which had lasted a couple of decades. A couple of decades during which the TARDIS's cleaning units and waste disposal units which took care of the miles and miles of rooms and corridors that made up its interior quietly dealt with the cat urine, feces, and hair problem, the TARDIS's food dispensers quietly issued increasing amounts of rations, and a number of small four-legged predators multiplied in the shadows keeping well away from the strange creature that shared their domain.

Anyone who has seen one of those charts that illustrate exactly why you should spay and neuter your pets would know exactly what happened while The Doctor was traveling around the universe visiting alien worlds. By the time the TARDIS returned to Earth and the Doctor had resumed his friendships with the people from UNIT whom he'd discovered that he'd rather missed while he was away as if he hadn't been gone at all, there were at least a thousand cats aboard.

Due to the fact that he had constantly kept himself busy with alien planets and other things, the Doctor probably wouldn't have discovered the problem for another few years despite the fact that the cats were increasingly encroaching upon his territory if it weren't for the kitten. The kitten who had been rather bolder and more curious than its littermates which had left its place in the back of the wardrobe where it had been born on one of Barbara's old cardigans and made its way to the console room. It was there that The Doctor who had been making his way to a meeting with some official or other which he would rather have skipped entirely had nearly stepped on the creature on his way out the door.

Upon spotting the feline, he assumed that it had belonged to one of the UNIT personnel who'd apparently stashed the creature aboard his TARDIS rather than be caught with it at work, and he'd rather wickedly decided to bring it to the meeting with him in order to watch its owner squirm. As he picked it up, the small creature hissed at him, baring its tiny fangs and unsheathing its diminutive claws, but he payed it no mind seeing as neither its fangs nor its claws were strong or sharp enough to puncture his skin.

Jo had been the first to notice that he was carrying the kitten which constantly tried to escape from him.

"Where did you get that darling kitten?" she exclaimed upon spotting the small calico creature, calling everyone's attention to him and his tiny burden.

"I found it in the TARDIS." he replied.

Jo's expression told him just about everything he needed to know.

"How many more of them are there?" he asked the young woman.

"I don't know. There were five of them, but if they've had kittens..." Jo replied.

"We'll deal with this after the meeting." he ground out, barely suppressing the urge to yell at the woman who'd apparently used his TARDIS as a dumping ground for stray cats.

After the long and tedious meeting at the end of which he'd gifted a certain pompous official with a certain small mammal which had caused the man to smile and comment on how it would be perfect for his granddaughter, he, Jo, and the Brigadier made their way aboard the TARDIS in order to see exactly how bad the cat situation was.

"Where exactly did you leave them?" he asked the young woman who was apologizing and using the fact that she hadn't wanted to see the poor cats euthanized as an excuse.

"I left them in that garden you showed me." she replied.

As far as The Doctor was concerned, it was no wonder he hadn't spotted the cats earlier seeing as he almost never went into that particular garden and had only shown it to Miss Grant because he'd thought she'd like it. He'd never intended for her to go dumping small animals into the room full of alien plantlife which the TARDIS carefully maintained for him.

When he remembered exactly when the base had been dealing with the feral cat problem that had led to the kitten he'd found, a rather nasty suspicion hit.

"Exactly when was this?" he asked his assistant, dreading the answer.

"Shortly before that incident with Omega." she replied.

As his body went into panic mode upon receiving confirmation of his suspicions, he raced towards the garden, practically broke the door control when he slapped the button that opened it, and peered inside.

"Good Lord!" the Brigadier who'd sprinted after him exclaimed from behind him as he got a good look at the interior of the garden where hundreds upon hundreds of cats were doing everything from eating to fighting to just simply lazing about while a food dispenser that had not been there previously spat out food pellets at irregular intervals.

The instant they noticed him and his entourage, the creatures that had made their home in his TARDIS began to scatter. Wave after wave of cats went racing off in just about every direction including up into the vents thanks to an innate climbing ability and a number of conveniently located plants.

Following the discovery of the cats, The Doctor rather quickly learned that he couldn't treat this infestation of felines like he would any ordinary infestation, and that he would have to come up with a more creative and diplomatic way of dealing with the problem if he wanted to avoid conflict with his human companions after Sergeant Benton and Captain Yates had learned exactly what it was that he'd mixed the poisoned bait for. Apparently, while Humans didn't see any problem with snapping the necks of small rodents, sticking them in glue and suffocating them in a trash bag, or just poisoning them with something that wasn't anywhere near as quick and painless as what he'd planned on using on the cats, they were rather sentimental about felines and got up in arms if you tried to kill even one of them the way you would a mouse.

**Edited 7-26-13  
**


	2. Ecological Disaster

The Doctor wasn't feeling all that well, but kept moving anyways because if he kept doing something, that would cause him to focus on his existence, which would then solidify his existence even further so he wouldn't fade away to nothing as he'd very nearly done before his first self had come around. Wandering around the Death Zone on Gallifrey trying to figure out what the hell was going on was as good a thing to be doing as any.

From the looks of things, Turlough would be hanging back aboard the TARDIS with his first self.

"Ah, Turlough, since you're staying here could you offload some of the pests now that Tegan isn't looking?" he asked on his way out the door.

"Pests?" the elderly white haired Doctor who'd decided to help himself to some pineapple asked.

"One of the Doctor's companions from Earth brought some small furry creatures aboard a while back, and they multiplied." Turlough replied as he made his way to a room where there was a small tractor type vehicle that was about the size of a riding lawn mower.

Turlough backed the tiny tractor-like vehicle out of the room and drove it towards another room that had been biometrically locked so humans couldn't enter. In this room, there were dozens upon dozens of cats which were being seen to by robots which promptly started grabbing them and packing them into a small train of boxes on wheels the instant Turlough entered. As Turlough hooked the tractor to the cat boxes, another five cats slid down a chute at the other end of the room.

"Are you doing what I think you're doing?" the elderly Doctor asked as he watched Turlough drive his cargo out of the TARDIS the instant it was loaded.

Turlough didn't reply however, choosing to get on with his work which had involved turning over a hundred cats loose into the wilderness of the Gallifreyan Death Zone.

"Stop that! You'll cause an ecological disaster!" the Doctor exclaimed as he watched the first bunch of cats run off after they'd been released from their cargo car.

**Two Years Later:**

"...And, the Tellurian felines have escaped from the Death Zone and have started settling into the Trunkike nesting grounds resulting in the deaths of hundreds of this year's hatchlings as well as over three dozen adults. Several of the creatures have also bred with our own native felines, creating feral hybrids which have scratched and bitten a number of children who have approached them thinking them to be safe..." an official droned as he enumerated the disasters that had been caused by the animals that The Doctor had dumped on his last visit to Gallifrey.


	3. Cat Number Three-Hundred and Seventy-Fiv

"What's this one's name?" Peri asked, pointing to one of the dozens upon dozens of cats that The Doctor had mysteriously acquired almost immediately following his regeneration.

"Cat Number Three-Hundred and Seventy-Five." The Doctor replied after setting the food dish he'd been carrying down, picking up the animal indicated, and examining its collar.

"Doctor, exactly how many cats do you have?" she asked, knowing that she most likely wouldn't like the answer considering the number of cats that had already swarmed to the food bowl.

The Doctor started counting on his fingers and muttering things like "...and with the litter born in the cupboard yesterday.".

"Five hundred." The Doctor replied.

"Five h-...Where the hell did you get so many cats?!" Peri yelled, internally shuddering at the mental image of the Doctor raiding and emptying out alleys and animal shelters and possibly even people's front yards while she was asleep that had appeared the instant she'd heard exactly how many cats the Doctor had.

"One of my previous companions had gifted me with a number of strays without telling me, and every time I thought I'd dealt with the problem I learned that I'd missed a few that continued to multiply in one of the abandoned storerooms or in the spare wardrobe." The Doctor replied.

"You mean they've..." she started.

"Been here the whole time? Yes." The Doctor finished for her.

"But, where have you been keeping them?" she asked, wondering why she hadn't seen so much as a single cat hair before The Doctor had regenerated.

"Around." The Doctor replied evasively, clearly wanting to change the subject.

The subject would've likely been dropped at that point since Peri knew that no further answers would be forthcoming, but she found herself remembering a comment The Doctor had made during that whole debacle where his second self had been turned into an Androgum and the effects had carried down to him.

"Doctor?" she asked.

"Yes?" The Doctor replied from where he was brushing a tiger striped tom.

"How do you know how to cook a cat?" she asked.

The wince that followed was answer enough for her.


	4. Free to a Good Home

Barbara Chesterton frowned as she approached her office. It was far too early in the morning, well before dawn, but there had been something she'd forgotten to do the day before which needed to be done before classes that day. Despite the fact that she was displeased with the early hour and would much rather be in bed, that was not the reason why she was frowning. The reason for her frown was the antics of an apparently drunken student who was leaving a basket on one of the lawns. A basket which had joined several that were already there.

She was sure that it must've been her imagination, but she could've sworn that she heard meowing coming from the baskets which had already been set out.

As she watched, the drunken student in the overlong scarf and the coat which was much too warm for this time of year walked off and vanished around a corner. Deciding to investigate rather than continue on to her office, she made her way over to the baskets which indeed contained cats. By her count, there had to have been at least a hundred kittens.

"Take as many as you like." the man who she'd mistaken for a student but could see wasn't as he was too old said as he set down another basket full of kittens, nearly scaring her out of her wits.

Something about the way the man looked at her unnerved her. It was almost as if he knew her, had known her for a long time even, but she could swear that she'd never seen him before in her entire life. Rather than fleeing as a part of her wanted to do, she found herself rounding on him as if he were an unruly student, preparing to confront him over those poor kittens that he was abandoning on one of the Cambridge lawns.

"The TARDIS has a rather severe cat infestation, so there's more than enough of these things to go around." the man continued before she could utter a single word, apparently oblivious to the fact that she'd been preparing to give him a yelling at he'd never forget.

She found herself instantly deflating and saying "Excuse me, but the _what _has a cat infestation?"

Rather than answer, the man said "You wouldn't mind helping me with the baskets would you? The job would go alot more quickly with two people, but Romana doesn't like cats."

Feeling slightly stunned, she found herself following the strange man to a very familiar police box. Inside the console room which had apparently been redecorated since she'd last seen it were about a half dozen more baskets and several large laundry hampers. Standing in the middle of the room next to the console scowling at the wickerware as if it had personally insulted her was a very pretty blonde who had bandages wrapped around both of her forearms whom she assumed to be Romana.

"What's in the hampers?" she found herself asking, rather than ripping the man she presumed to be The Doctor a new one as she'd intended.

"The least vicious of the adults that I managed to catch." the curly haired man in the scarf replied.

Sighing, she resigned herself to helping The Doctor. Having traveled with him, she'd learned the hard way that no matter how often you tried to stay out of it, he'd find a way to drag you in anyways. As the sun was beginning to rise, the last of the closed hampers had been set on the lawn next to the kitten baskets and The Doctor had stuck a sign that said "Free to a good home" in several languages into the ground next to them.

"Well, it was good seeing you again Barbara." The Doctor said before he turned to depart.

Barbara wished she could say likewise, but since the campus was just beginning to wake up, the only thought that was running through her head was that if she wanted to keep her job she would have to get out of here before someone spotted her next to this mess.

Ian was not going to believe this.

Actually, on second thought, he probably would.

"I honestly don't understand why you haven't just gassed the lot and been done with it." Romana said as she and The Doctor made their way over to Professor Chronitis's rooms a short while later.

The Doctor, remembering the looks on Sergeant Benton and Captain Yates' faces as they snatched back the poisoned meat mixture upon seeing what he'd been about to exterminate, just sighed and said nothing. Just because the humans weren't watching didn't mean that they wouldn't find out, especially since he was reasonably certain that he hadn't found all of the creatures, and there was a chance that a later companion might run across a rather inconvenient skeleton or ten in one of the storerooms.


	5. Borusa's Gift

There was a reason that the cats aboard the TARDIS hadn't become inbred to the point of sterility or become cat mutants. That reason was that during some of the safer trips, The Doctor would leave the TARDIS door open for a while in the futile hope that some of the creatures that had invaded his home would be drawn outside into the fresh air, green grass, and whatever else was available on Earth or several Earthlike worlds like little moths to the flame. While some cats did make it outside and promptly got ditched by The Doctor, some cats also made it inside, adding their genetic uniqueness to the TARDIS's feline population.

Within a few generations of that whole incident on Gallifrey where the Lord President had been assassinated, very few of the felines aboard the TARDIS were of purely Earthly stock. This was because following the incident which had heralded The Master's return from wherever the hell he'd been hiding, The Doctor had unknowingly received a gift of several Gallifreyan cats from his former teacher who had decided to get his own back for a number of pranks that he had pulled on the older Time Lord when he'd studied under him in addition to receiving a score of nine out of ten from Borusa for the manner in which he had saved Gallifrey. These cats had then promptly started mixing with the sizable stock of felines aboard the TARDIS, making a bad problem worse as the average litter size nearly doubled.

Fortunately, as he would discover later, Borusa's gift had also sort of fixed a problem that he'd been stuck dealing with for the past few years. A few of his companions, and a number of humans he encountered in his day to day interactions on Earth were allergic to cats. The ones he traveled with - such as Harry Sullivan for instance - could get a regular injection from the medical stores to deal with the problem, but if the injection was late, the sneezing and the watery eyes and whatnot would start up all over again. Before the Gallifreyan cats had introduced their genes into the populace, he'd practically been handing out the allergy injection like it had been Jelly Babies or something. After the cats had introduced their genes, the coughing, and sneezing, and the itchy eyes and whatnot had stopped completely.

Amongst the humans that was...

If the woman hadn't been a total bitch who'd caused him no end of trouble, he would've felt very sorry for The Rani the day she had made the mistake of stepping aboard his TARDIS unprepared.


	6. Recycled Art

"This is nice, what's it made out of?" Rose asked as she admired the blanket that he'd made during his downtime a while back.

"A small Tellurian mammal." The Doctor replied evasively, knowing that most humans didn't know of that alternate name for their planet. The last time he'd given an honest answer to that particular question, Ace had pulled out the Nitro-9 and hadn't given him a chance to explain.

Cats didn't live forever. Even cats with the mysterious ability to regenerate. Therefore something had to be done with the bodies when they finally shuffled off the mortal coil, and people generally didn't like you dumping them on their planets. The TARDIS, being a good recycler, had been turning the bodies of the cats he hadn't found and evicted into garden mulch for a large number of years, but then he'd had to go and get creative.

The blanket didn't really go with the decor of his boot cupboard which could best be described as Victorian, but after the incident with Ace, he'd decided that that was the best place for it. The last person to find that particular boot cupboard had been Sarah Jane. Rose had to be an explorer and she just had to find that art project that he shouldn't have made considering how humans tended to react to it, and yet couldn't bring himself to throw out because of the number of hours he'd invested in it.

The blanket which had a pattern that consisted of ink black, smoky grey, and tortoiseshell diamonds had been hand-made, and was indeed a work of art as several who could admire it had attested.


	7. I Always Dress for the

Chang Lee watched as the so-called Doctor and the Master exchanged verbal barbs as the Master entered the Cloister Room.

"We don't have time to waste." the Master said as he started down the stairs.

"Time enough to change." the Doctor sarcastically pointed out.

"I always dress for the occas-" the Master started, posing in his ridiculous robe for half a second on his way down the stairs before tripping on something brown and fluffy and taking a tumble.

"You still haven't gotten rid of those Rassilon-damned cats?!" the Master exclaimed as he picked himself up off the floor.

On the stairs, a brown long-haired feline that almost perfectly blended in with its surroundings looked down at the Master disdainfully. If a cat could snort in contempt, this one would have. As it was, the creature started washing itself with a dismissiveness that couldn't have been anything but deliberate.

"You know, I think I like cats this time around." the Doctor said from where he was strapped to a gurney.


	8. Not-so-Famous Last Words

Harold Saxon whistled while he worked as he turned the TARDIS into a Paradox machine. the Past year and change had been a trial in patience, but now, things were coming close to fruition. Soon, the world would be under the Master's thumb, and then the universe.

As he pulled some wires out of the console he heard a curious _Mrow?. _It was followed by another, and then another. Looking to his Left, he found half a dozen cats staring back at him. One of them cocked its head curiously before moving forward and rubbing up against his trousers.

The Doctor still hadn't gotten rid of the cats?!

It was bad enough that Lucy liked the creatures and he'd been forced to live with five of the animals, but to have to deal with them here and now aboard the Valiant. Well, technically aboard the TARDIS which was aboard the Valiant...

He went to fetch some Mustard Gas, even if he had to make it, wondering why he hadn't seen hide nor hair of any of the creatures when he'd first stolen the TARDIS or when he'd taken Lucy to the end of the Universe.

"Bomb's away!" he said with a smile several hours later as he tossed a canister into the TARDIS console room.

After tossing a couple more canisters deeper into the TARDIS, making sure to hit the Cloister Room where that brown mop had tripped him ages back he declared his job done and left whistling a jaunty tune as he made his way out of the TARDIS in order to wait until the air was breathable again and get back to work.

**Over a Year Later:**

The Master had had something epic planned for his "Last Words". He'd been on track to say what he'd planned to say in case the Doctor had "won" again when a small short-haired calico wandered into the room. Rather than saying what he'd planned to say, he ended up saying "Where the hell did that cat come from?"

"The TARDIS I expect. I'm still finding them in odd corners on occasion." the Doctor replied, completely ruining the moment.

"But, I gassed the TARDIS." he said, wondering how it could be possible for any of the cats aboard to survive.

"They can regenerate you know. Something to do with being born on the TARDIS." the Doctor replied. "Which reminds me, it's time for you to do the same."

"No." he said, getting things back on track.

Right before he could pull the Doctor close and say "I win!" before dying, the cat rubbed itself against his leg.

In the end, his last word until he was revived once more was "Gerroff!" and the last of his strength was used to try and shove the cat away with his leg.


End file.
